How to Clean a White Dress

Content Warning: Sexual Assault

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1. You will have to spend a moment looking at the stain. Assess it as much as you can. Remember that it’s just a stain. You will have to convince yourself that the stain will come out so you will have to be calm for this step. Disregard the previous step and stare at the spot a little longer. Fixate on it. You’ll have to do some research prior to beginning to clean. Look at multiple websites. Determine that the supplies are as follows: isopropyl alcohol, cotton swabs, makeup remover, and liquid detergent. You will find out that you have three out of four of those items. Ask your roommates if they have isopropyl alcohol. They will not.

2. Try your best to clean the dress without alcohol. The stain will have already set in because the dress is white and the lipstick is pink, bright pink. You will have to use more detergent to make up for the lack of alcohol. You won’t know if this is right. You won’t know if any of this is right, but you will continue on. You will try and scrub the pink down to nothing, but instead, you will rub more lipstick into the white. It will be a shame, too. You will discover during this step how much you liked this dress. It’s not so much that the dress is nice or that it fits you well, but you’ll think about the times that you had in the dress. They weren’t necessarily good. In fact, most of them were terrible. And yet, you will convince yourself that this dress survived with you in some way and upon this realization, you will blot harder.

3. You’ll throw the dress in the machine and push whites. Think to yourself: maybe the machine will release bleach. Wonder, “is that how washing machines work?” Go online for confirmation in your thought process and realize, no, you have to put in the bleach separately. This will add an extra step. Wait for the spin cycle to end so you can start it again, this time with bleach. It really will be a shame—pink of all things. Think about the other colors that could have been much worse: red, blue, and purple. All of these shades would have left more noticeable marks. Decide that pink is still bad. Pink is still noticeable, still a stain. This is something you can not change, so you will have to accept it now.

4. Call your mother to check that you are doing everything correctly. She will tell you to wash the dress again. Before starting the cycle again, stop to assess the progress so far. It will be minimal. The stain is still bright and noticeable: slashed in the middle of the torso as if reminding everyone that it can’t be taken away. You will think it is unfortunate. Like the time you were called a whore at a party. You didn’t know anyone, but someone called you a whore. You tried to leave it alone but everyone noticed and you had to leave. Even though she didn’t know you, she likely thought you were a whore because of your clothes or your attitude or your glances and flirts with every man there. Whore-ish girl, you were then. Think about that word again. Think about that time too. They’re the same in your mind, at this point.

5. At this step, you will think that you should have forgotten about it; clearly, you have not forgotten about it. You will notice that a lot has happened in that year, yet you still think about the word whore written in pink across your stomach as everyone stares deeply at it. It could have been written in red but, with your pale skin, pink will shame you just as clearly. Was she right when she called you a whore? Wallow in that feeling for a moment.

6. You have wasted time following those steps and decide it is time to check on the dress. Before you do check on the dress, remind yourself that there is no way that you could be a whore. You need to have sex to be a whore. Think about the one time you had sex. Feel completely unclean. Remind yourself that that time was not sex. Sex needs consent to be sex. In that sense, you have not had sex. This will be reiterated to you by the counselor you have had to see since your mental breakdown. In a couple of weeks when you confess all of this to your mother she will tell you the same thing. Many will question this in the future. They will ask you what you were wearing or will tell you that you kissed him too so you asked for it. Who cares if you were drunk? You knew what you were doing when you were drinking with your attitude and demeanor and whore written in the middle of your body. You knew what you were doing.

7. In these moments, tell yourself it is not your fault. Say it again and again; it is important that you hear it. The more you hear it, the more you will absorb it. Say it to yourself now.

8. During the next step, you will listen to John Denver because you want to relax. It won’t work but you tried, at least. Whisper to yourself, “It's not my fault.” You will find the dress still in the wash and the rinse cycle is over now. Whisper again, “It's not my fault.” Open the lid and find that the dress is still stained in the front. Remind yourself that you can always cover the front with a belt or sash, but you do not have to do this if you do not want to.

9. In fact, you do not have to do any of this if you do not want to.