dreams.

Kahill Perkins

I have always measured time in dreams or in sleep patterns and lately time

Has become stuck in I have always measured time in dreams or in sleep patterns and lately time

Has become stuck in nightmares and 3am bedtimes, revised by prepackaged margaritas.

Lately the dreams have been nightmares, garish things I do not wish to dredge up but may have to.

I dream of my dead grandfather, except his death

becomes a hoax, he created because he was tired of me.

I dream of every person who has beat me, raped me or

spit in my face except their face is that of my lover.

I wake up sobbing and my mouth guard is full of blood from my split lip timelines.

I dream that my father is dead, that he left me alone in

the world, sometimes it’s my sister or my mother. Never my brother. That I am unsure of.

I dream that my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend has locked me

in a box and thrown it in the Kansas river, and that they are holed up in our bed room watching the princess bride eating my gluten free crackers.

That she stole my favorite shoes and my hot pink venus earrings and posted them on her Instagram, I dream that she burned our house down with me in it and she stole my fucking dog. And then she killed my fucking dog.

Sometimes I do not dream at all, I just lay there next to my boyfriend and listen to him breathe and my mind tells me that I should definitely go through his phone and that he totally is

sending dick pics to like the next-door neighbor or some shit, except his phone is broken but so is my brain.

Last night I dreamt I sent a naked picture to every one on my phone accidently and someone named Alan sent back a video of him touching himself except his penis was a literal octopus, and I do not know anyone named Alan.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see our smallest cat get cut in half by our shitty heavy windows that don’t stay open right.

I don’t know what causes me to be unable to have good dreams, I do not remember the last good dream I had, I honestly have never seen beauty when I am asleep and yet here I am.

Tired, sleeping, scared in the dark, my fears going up and down and over and over through my ears and nose.

Sometimes I stand in the shower, and rest on the tile, letting my body catch up to my brain and its over active fear.

and 3am bedtimes, revised by prepackaged margaritas.

Kahill Perkins is an author and multi media artist in the Lawrence Kansas area, she is a queer bi racial radicalist with an obsession of all things lemon and femme. Author of a collection of poetry featured in her book Bite Back and an all around laugh. Watcher of period films, reader of dusty books, practitioner of old magic, just a girl.